Santa has introduced a new IT system designed by Microsoft so I have managed to hack into his data base. Here is a copy of one letter.
Dear Santa,
Please could I have a youth team as good as Manchester United have for Christmas. I know I already have one but it was only good enough to scrape a win against a team from somewhere called Doncaster whereas the Man Utd one stuffed a PL team, It's just not fair that Sir Alex has all the promising youth players and we have none.
I would also like an offer for at least £5 million cash for Henry or £4.9 million + Peter Crouch.
I would also like a buyer for the new stadium since I don't know how we can afford it when we are going to get relegated either this season or next season.
Please stop other teams from tackling our players, they just can't cope with tackles. I know we were bad with all those vicious attacks we used to get off with but our current team are just a bunch of softies and are too scared to tackle so we are being good.
Finally please make at least one other manager like me; they all seem to pick on me, nobody likes me. I promise to send them all a Christmas card and a present.