!!££!! CAIRN ENERGY enters the FTSE 100 !!££!!

A Message from John Cleese To the Citizens of the United States of
America.

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths,
and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys
owing (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.