Ashtead - Building on Powerful Rental Growth!

Well its Victor "Hatto" Meldrew reporting from his family friendly 5 star hotel in Lanzarote.

Well we've been here a week & I have to say we've enjoyed ourselves.

Still haven't heard about my first day complaint to the hotel management about the bleedin' kids creating havoc as the "Tribute group the Platters" tried to perform on stage.

What really annoyed me was that I had seen the act at my previous 5 star hotel before leaving in dissapointment at the service or lack of it in certain areas.

They had been brilliant & I was delighted to get the oppo to see them again.

But the bleedin' kids won that night & the group cut short their act & left without an encore.

Since then I must say the kids have won me over.....

The nights entertainments consist of a warm up act....or really hopeless acts as I call them....then the main feature act which has always been very good so far.

The poor performers usually do their act on the small stage which is their first mistake....you need to get on the dance area & takeover from the incumbant 2-6 year olds & rather odd 10/11 year old boy that really shouldn't be allowed to play with children of that age.

Once you have removed the 20 odd children they will generally sit quietly with their parents or families of their new adopted best friends.

Whilst the first rather poor acts are taking place you can entertain yourself by watching the endless games of "tag" or "all in wrestling" or the two young girls & a boy that have these roller skate trainers who glide effortlessly around the dance floor until they trip over a prostrate two year old & come hurtling to the ground.

Usually every 5 minutes you get a parent rush on to the dance floor to comfort & drag off a crying offspring, who usually returns to the fray a few minutes later.

The last two nights we have had "dance acts" as the star performers, both groups hail from Cuba....& to say the women are "well fit" is the understatement of the year. Wearing not a lot more than stilletto heels & a smile.

During both nights performances the 2-6 years were good as gold sitting with friends or families at the edge of the dance floor....But you could always see it happening from a mile off......

A 2-6 year old would stand up wanting to vist friends or family on the other side of the dance floor....you watched with baited breath to see if they successfully made it accross that treacherous killing ground inhabitted by the 6ft Cuban killer Girls in their high heeled stillettoes.

They also had to avoid the wily "Tiny Tots Kiddies Club patroller" whose lair this also was.

The two year girl, with two pony tails & a dummy in her mouth tried the deadly run twice but was easily caught. The two girls on the roller trainers easily got accross but not so the 3 year old Spanish boy who crashed into one of the Cuban girls & ended in a heap crying his eyes out.

Breakfast for me has now become even more fun as not 8 hours later we watch the kids in their more natural habitat of the "Buffet Breakfast Area".

The three scouces of amusement for me are the group of 5 kids.....two dominant 6/7 year old girls & 3 smaller boys, they patrol the circular food area either running, walking, or carrying each other...probably doing 20-30 laps.

The most exciting time is the boiled egg run where the parents send their 4/5 year old offspring for his boiled egg, which he puts on a flat dining plate & tries to make it back to his table.....The success rate is not good & the bolied egg invariably ends up on the floor broken.

The other highlight is the arrival of the Giant Duck.....(a man or woman wearing a duck suit).....the kids love this & 3-6 year olds will rush to greet the duck when he arrives. Anyone much over 7 is far too grown up & cool to take any notice.